2 posts tagged “nostalgia”
track
2 a.m.: moonlight. the train has stopped
out in a field. far-off sparks of light from a town,
flickering coldly on the horizon.
as when a man goes so deep into his dream
he will never remember that he was there
when he returns again to his room.
or when a person goes so deep into a sickness
that his days all become some flickering sparks, a swarm,
feeble and cold on the horizon
the train is entirely motionless
2 o'clock: strong moonlight, few stars.
-tomas transtromer
I was having an IM conversation with an old friend of mine in mumbai/bombay. We don't really talk much anymore but have managed to keep in touch enough to not lose our connection. We've known each other for ten years and I can't count how many times we've emailed each other but that dropped off years ago. As our conversation meandered through telling each other of our mundane lives she told me she's kept most my emails since 1997 and I got really curious to see what I used to write to her. The account I used to use no longer exists and the only backups I probably have are on some old HD in Australia. She only sent a few to me but it's fascinating to look back on how I used to write and the way I would think about the world. I also noticed I used to say some supremely stupid things which are embarrassing but I understand what the younger me was trying to say. I can't wait to see more of what I used to write. Maybe when I'm in australia I'll try and find all my backups :).
Here is a snippet and the context was that I had been talking to my friend over email about marriage and she had mentioned she was feeling depressed about the whole thing. I'm comfortable showing this section of the email because it's really just me asking questions and giving non-nonsensical (well maybe just naive idealistic) advice.
> From: X
> To: X
> Date: Wed, 22 Apr 1998 13:43:34 +0000
> Subject: are we the reflector or the director?
>
[SNIP]
>
> Anyways why should you get depressed about your friends wedding? are
> you depressed for yourself or your friend? if someone else is happy
> we should always feel the same happiness...and don't worry so
> much..you'll find what you're looking for soon enough..or you could
> always rent a toy boy :P..
What would I tell my younger self if I could do a TTWT (Time Traveller's Wife Thing) ?
Dear Dumbass / Younger Self
If it isn't obvious to you yet X is depressed because she sees her friends getting married and when you add that up with societies (particularly indian society) pressures she feels left behind. Couple that with her natural urge to find a partner then it's not hard to see why she's in the in the state she's in. Yes, it would be nice if she could feel happy for her friend but even though part of her is probably happy for her, there is still a much larger part that is grieving for herself. This is a normal human reaction and your talk of feeling happy despite the fact isn't going to make her feel any better. Maybe you should spend a little bit more time letting her know why you think she's a swell gal instead of trying to play amateur psychologist. Sometimes all people need is a kind word or two not dissection. BTW *high five* for the rent a toy boy comment ;).
The other thing I remember from that time period was that I was capable of writing some epic emails. I had two or three friends that I could ramble on for pages. It was my way to emotionally dump a great deal of what was going on in my head. My friends must have had lots of patience to go through those emails but some how they managed to do it or maybe they just skipped most parts ;). I haven't written an epic email in years. I think the last seriously long email I wrote was to a friend after we decided that we needed to part ways. Ok, now you're curious about this story since everyone likes a good bit of gossip. I don't really like talking about it much since I think the situation was so incredibly stupid. Here it is in a few lines which may confuse you but hey it'll keep you waiting for a post that may never come :P.
P & N are friends for years
N gets introduced to X through her parents
X doesn't want N to talk to P anymore - never could quite figure this out
X & N fight about this
N & P agree it's best to part ways
X & N live happily ever after
P buys more books
TMI right? I think it's one of the few emails where I used raw emotion as the driver with very little filtering. I kept a copy for a while just as a reminder but got rid of it more for closure and just letting go. I wish I could remember the contents but I do remember there were distinct sections like an essay. In fact every section had a line from a song which was meant to express the topic of the section. Well I think I took that form to the blogging world. I really should do a better job of identifying the songs I'm taking the lyrics from for my blog titles but sometimes they work so much better in isolation.
I don't think I've made a complete transition to the blogging world. In a way I've been playing around with trying to find the right voice for myself. I maintained another blog on myspace to express a more playful and creative side to my personality. I haven't blogged on there for quite a while but I took a look at some of the stuff I posted and I think this might be one of the funnier posts.
title: who's that casting devious stares in my direction
the only people on myspace that send me messages are spammers. lately i've been getting a great deal of "romance" spam. i suspect i must look like a complete sucker. it's probably my general look of confusion as i exude complete naivety with relation to anything remotely real world.
here is one i got yesterday from "mary" aka gustav from uzbekistan (those fucking uzbeks)
"hey,
am mary,i came accross your profile while searching on this site, and saw you so attractive and decided to mail you. You are so handsome that i believe God spent extra time creating you and if i were to present your picture in heaven, all the angels would hide their faces in shame...well, i dont mind if you drink or somok...or got kids too... all i needed is i a true love someone honest and sincere that i can spend the rest of my life with age
b/w 24/45 is all i need...can we get to kown our self more better if you dont mind pls...
mary"
here is my reply
dear mary,
my dear love. i'm overwhelmed by your heart felt comments. it is indeed fate that has brought us together. no one else in this world finds me attractive but you. how can this not be the work of non-existent entity that you call god. it's nice to know i'm the creation of an imaginary being which humbles me to feel basically i came from nothing and am probably a nobody. the only reason the angels would hide their faces in shame is that they wouldn't be able to understand how god could possible fuck up creating a human. after
all god is supposed to be omnipotent yet must have been having an off day with me. god realized his mistake and created you to be blinded by reality and falling deeply in love with me. i'm glad that you don't mind that i somok and i would do it much more if it was a real english word.
my love there is a slight problem though. i'm not a sincere person. i'm superficial i can't be with someone who can't spell or has a basic grasp of english grammar. there is no way we could kown each other, let alone know each other.
there is someone right for you on myspace. may i suggest tom? i hear he gets around.
insincerely,
p
That'll do for now.
I figured before I leave Brisbane this time I'd scan in some of my baby pictures. You get to enjoy some assorted memories.
If you get to know me you know I can get into moods sometimes. I've always been that way and here's proof.
My sisters seem to be having more fun than me.
