5 posts tagged “random musings”

behind the innocent trees
old Destiny is slowly forming her mute
expressionless face.
Wrinkles are moving onto it...
What a bird screeches, here,
springs up there as a furrow of pain
on the harsh prophetic mouth.

Oh and the soon-to-be lovers
smile and are still departureless;
above them their fate sets and rises
like a constellation,
enraptured by night.
Not yet does it offer itself to them;
it remains
hovering in the paths of the sky,
an ethereal form.

- rilke

The one thing I really like about my team at work is that we pretty much will talk about anything from the most mundane to the profound (to us at least). There is a pretty much no topic off limit hence most of the time our door is closed. People can still see inside our office since the doors are glass and the slide open star trek style and make this annoying whooshing sound. Every now and then we get strange looks from people as they wonder why we're laughing hysterically.

The question of the day today was by a new member of our team. He got off the phone and looks at us and goes "Hey guys, here's a question. Do you think it's weird for someone to get engaged over the phone?". We asked him a few more questions about the people it involved and where they lived etc. The guy is in the US and the girl is in Canada. They met at Princeton and are both physicists (string theorists). The general consensus of most members of the team was that it was weird mainly on the grounds that it was zero effort and people should put effort into something like that. I take a contrarian view on this. I think it comes down to mutual expectation. If person A and B are both satisfied with this method of getting engaged then it's perfectly logical to do so. Is it romantic? It wouldn't seem so but maybe the conversation was romantic i.e "You complete me in all 11 dimensions. You are the S-Brane to my D-Brane. " or something like that. If the two parties are happy with it then it should be ok with everyone else. I think we're suckered into believing that things like this have to follow some kind of convention that will make some good story one day. Though I do think this makes an interesting story because it is different.

It's the same reason why I don't understand why people would spend a great deal of money on a diamond ring or a wedding. It seems like it's more for show and the appearance of being successful rather than reflecting the core meaning of the relationship. I was once sitting at a work dinner with some people from another company and the guys started talking about their wedding and one guy was going on about how he spent $100k on his wedding. People should be free to spend their own money (in this case a chunk was from his wife's father) any which way they choose but it seems like it would be better served on other things in the newly weds life or for other people. Is one day really worth that much to people? It seems like people build up this one thing without really thinking about the long road ahead and why don't they put in as much effort when they get divorced ;). It seems like it's just a scam to promote more consumerism.

During the course of the dinner the same guy started telling another guy he wasn't spending enough on the ring he was getting for his fiancee. This guy must have been a spokesperson for the diamond cartel. First of all how would he know how much someone else should be spending on their own gift? Why does it matter that the ring isn't "expensive" enough. If it mattered to the guys fiancee you'd have to wonder about the person. Isn't it just really a symbolic gesture? Aren't you basically putting a price on how deep your feelings are by caring about monetary value of it? I suspect I maybe in the minority on this one but it seems like our value system in this regard is kind of screwed up.

One of the more creative and utterly geekily cute ways I've seen someone propose was done by a guy I know in his phd dissertation. I'm sure someone else has done it before but I got a kick out of it.

And last, as they say, but not least, I’d like to thank the muse who actually got
me through writing this thesis. After five solid years of procrastination, I can’t help
but notice that I finally started cranking out chapters only after I met this certain
someone — the lady who I dearly hope will soon my wife, .........!

So, yes, buried here in the fine print, is my true thesis: will you marry me, love?

Gotta love it :)

track
2 a.m.: moonlight. the train has stopped
out in a field. far-off sparks of light from a town,
flickering coldly on the horizon.

as when a man goes so deep into his dream
he will never remember that he was there
when he returns again to his room.

or when a person goes so deep into a sickness
that his days all become some flickering sparks, a swarm,
feeble and cold on the horizon

the train is entirely motionless
2 o'clock: strong moonlight, few stars.

-tomas transtromer

I was having an IM conversation with an old friend of mine in mumbai/bombay. We don't really talk much anymore but have managed to keep in touch enough to not lose our connection. We've known each other for ten years and I can't count how many times we've emailed each other but that dropped off years ago. As our conversation meandered through telling each other of our mundane lives she told me she's kept most my emails since 1997 and I got really curious to see what I used to write to her. The account I used to use no longer exists and the only backups I probably have are on some old HD in Australia. She only sent a few to me but it's fascinating to look back on how I used to write and the way I would think about the world. I also noticed I used to say some supremely stupid things which are embarrassing but I understand what the younger me was trying to say. I can't wait to see more of what I used to write. Maybe when I'm in australia I'll try and find all my backups :).

Here is a snippet and the context was that I had been talking to my friend over email about marriage and she had mentioned she was feeling depressed about the whole thing. I'm comfortable showing this section of the email because it's really just me asking questions and giving non-nonsensical (well maybe just naive idealistic) advice.

> From: X
> To: X
> Date: Wed, 22 Apr 1998 13:43:34 +0000
> Subject: are we the reflector or the director?
>
[SNIP]
>
> Anyways why should you get depressed about your friends wedding? are
> you depressed for yourself or your friend? if someone else is happy
> we should always feel the same happiness...and don't worry so
> much..you'll find what you're looking for soon enough..or you could
> always rent a toy boy :P..

What would I tell my younger self if I could do a TTWT (Time Traveller's Wife Thing) ?

Dear Dumbass / Younger Self

If it isn't obvious to you yet X is depressed because she sees her friends getting married and when you add that up with societies (particularly indian society) pressures she feels left behind. Couple that with her natural urge to find a partner then it's not hard to see why she's in the in the state she's in. Yes, it would be nice if she could feel happy for her friend but even though part of her is probably happy for her, there is still a much larger part that is grieving for herself. This is a normal human reaction and your talk of feeling happy despite the fact isn't going to make her feel any better. Maybe you should spend a little bit more time letting her know why you think she's a swell gal instead of trying to play amateur psychologist. Sometimes all people need is a kind word or two not dissection. BTW *high five* for the rent a toy boy comment ;).

The other thing I remember from that time period was that I was capable of writing some epic emails. I had two or three friends that I could ramble on for pages. It was my way to emotionally dump a great deal of what was going on in my head. My friends must have had lots of patience to go through those emails but some how they managed to do it or maybe they just skipped most parts ;). I haven't written an epic email in years. I think the last seriously long email I wrote was to a friend after we decided that we needed to part ways. Ok, now you're curious about this story since everyone likes a good bit of gossip. I don't really like talking about it much since I think the situation was so incredibly stupid. Here it is in a few lines which may confuse you but hey it'll keep you waiting for a post that may never come :P.

P & N are friends for years
N gets introduced to X through her parents
X doesn't want N to talk to P anymore - never could quite figure this out
X & N fight about this
N & P agree it's best to part ways
X & N live happily ever after
P buys more books

TMI right? I think it's one of the few emails where I used raw emotion as the driver with very little filtering. I kept a copy for a while just as a reminder but got rid of it more for closure and just letting go. I wish I could remember the contents but I do remember there were distinct sections like an essay. In fact every section had a line from a song which was meant to express the topic of the section.  Well I think I took that form to the blogging world. I really should do a better job of identifying the songs I'm taking the lyrics from for my blog titles but sometimes they work so much better in isolation.

I don't think I've made a complete transition to the blogging world. In a way I've been playing around with trying to find the right voice for myself. I maintained another blog on myspace to express a more playful and creative side to my personality. I haven't blogged on there for quite a while but I took a look at some of the stuff I posted and I think this might be one of the funnier posts.

title: who's that casting devious stares in my direction

the only people on myspace that send me messages are spammers. lately i've been getting a great deal of "romance" spam. i suspect i must look like a complete sucker. it's probably my general look of confusion as i exude complete naivety with relation to anything remotely real world.

here is one i got yesterday from "mary" aka gustav from uzbekistan (those fucking uzbeks)

"hey,

am mary,i came accross your profile while searching on this site, and saw you so attractive and decided to mail you. You are so handsome that i believe God spent extra time creating you and if i were to present your picture in heaven, all the angels would hide their faces in shame...well, i dont mind if you drink or somok...or got kids too... all i needed is i a true love someone honest and sincere that i can spend the rest of my life with age

b/w 24/45 is all i need...can we get to kown our self more better if you dont mind pls...

mary"

here is my reply

dear mary,

my dear love. i'm overwhelmed by your heart felt comments. it is indeed fate that has brought us together. no one else in this world finds me attractive but you. how can this not be the work of non-existent entity that you call god. it's nice to know i'm the creation of an imaginary being which humbles me to feel basically i came from nothing and am probably a nobody. the only reason the angels would hide their faces in shame is that they wouldn't be able to understand how god could possible fuck up creating a human. after
all god is supposed to be omnipotent yet must have been having an off day with me. god realized his mistake and created you to be blinded by reality and falling deeply in love with me. i'm glad that you don't mind that i somok and i would do it much more if it was a real english word.

my love there is a slight problem though. i'm not a sincere person. i'm superficial i can't be with someone who can't spell or has a basic grasp of english grammar. there is no way we could kown each other, let alone know each other.

there is someone right for you on myspace. may i suggest tom? i hear he gets around.

insincerely,

p

That'll do for now.

I was reading the J Curve this afternoon in union square when I stopped and started observing the people in front of me. A father was throwing a football to his son and they seemed to be having a great time. The mother was crouched right near them on a cell phone talking a way. Then I noticed a little girl standing near them who seemed really lost. She just kind of stood there like she was trying to figure out what to do. I figured she was the daughter of the couple and was off playing in her own little world. I went back to reading for a bit and took another break to look again. The little girl ran towards her father with open arms. I was like "awww that's so cute" but then what the father did made me go "what the fux0r?". He just shooed her away because he was "busy" playing with the son and his football. The girl looked at him and then walked beside him and sat on the ground looking dejected. My heart broke for the little girl because it must have been terrible to be expecting one thing but end up being ignored. Kids are resilient but I can't help but wonder how little events like these add up over time and eventually manifest as something worse when the kid gets older. *sigh* 

Absence

The moon
nicotine of a kiss...

A sideways glance
like the mast of a pirate ship
beyond a distant island.

- luljeta lleshanaku

Yes, my darlings I've decided to make a post. I would love to tell you that I was off saving/enslaving the world but that was not case. My lack of blogging can be entirely attributed to laziness and of course helping little old ladies cross the street while saving babies from burning buildings (at the same time , in a single bound). Alas I digress...

I was at the Commonwealth Club yesterday for an inforum debate. The topic was whether or not the house should ban affirmative action. I had never been to one of these debates and hadn't quite realized everyone was supposed to participate. I didn't come with anything besides my own biased opinion but was open to other suggestions. I can barely convince myself to get up in the morning so I'm pretty sure I didn't convince anyone of my point of view. Perhaps next time I will put some thought into it but I doubt it.

The topic itself is pretty controversial because it comes with a great deal of emotional baggage and it's easy to get caught up in too many generalities and really miss the important stuff. I'm going to do a quick round up of the debate and then go into a little bit about how I think about the issue. I'm really mindful that I'm treading on some very thin ice argument wise because I'm not really backing anything up with hard numbers. Also my memory of the event is clouded because I had a few drinks after the debate with the group and that may have prevented everything from  sinking in correctly. I wish I had actually recorded the damn thing so I could kind of go over things again and see if I could have been swayed to the other side. 

The debate started with most people being on the fence with the issue but it ended up with 9 people for the motion to ban affirmative action and 12 to keep it as is. The arguments for keeping affirmative action centered around that something is better than nothing and that the system isn't perfect but has some kind of tangible benefit for people who are in groups that are covered by it. People who were against affirmative action made the argument that the process itself is discriminatory and that there no real good evidence that it has really helped the people it is supposed to be helping out. Of course I'm giving a gross generalization of what people said but the one area everyone concentrated on was university entrance and that's where things tended to stay. Both sides didn't really produce any numbers or studies to back up their claims so most statements were either from anecdotal evidence or just a gut feel. The great thing was everyone had something to say and really provided me with moments of "hmmm maybe I have this all wrong". The other thing is that the group was pretty chill so people weren't afraid to speak their minds. A few people had lots to say but it was mostly repeating their arguments without actually adding a lot on top of it.

So now to my point of view on the whole notion of affirmative action in america. I remain a skeptic of the program not because I think it's goals are not good but that it is implemented in a way that doesn't really address the real problems. There are historically disadvantaged groups in the US and nothing is going to change the amount of brutality and discrimination inflicted upon them in the past. Looking forward and to the places where affirmative action is used there is a key component of requiring some level of education (this is a key concept) to benefit from the process. Whether it is university, a job or a government contract the person needs to have some kind of trained skill. The way affirmative action seeks to remedy the representational imbalance (diversity) of these various areas is to weight the entry requirements of certain classes of people in a way to help them compared to the "privileged" groups. What we're really talking about is economic progress and diversity is really just another way to say we want certain groups to have the same access to those opportunities that other groups have much easier access to. Great, I should be all for this right? Not so fast there partner. Let's spend a little time thinking about this.

How do people go about doing this? The devil is in the details, most places in order to achieve their diversity have either explicit or implicit quota systems for achieving these goals. One way it is phrased is that certain groups need to have their historical circumstances taken into account when trying to apply for places in university etc. Sure, so some people aren't able to achieve the same scores on tests because they didn't have access to the same educational resources so need to be given a helping hand. Ok, let's run with that for a second. So person A comes from a privileged group has access to lots of resources scores the right grades to get into school, person B from a less-privileged scores less on test but who gets a bonus weighting factor because of their background. How do we weight this correctly? Let's say A and B are competing for the same spot should B trump A automatically? Should B trump A only if the weighted measure is greater and if so how can this weighted measure ever be applied fairly since it's implied value is based on group and not the individual. If we lived in a world where both A and B could be accounted for then we're sitting pretty but this is zero sum game we're playing so someone is going to lose. Now person B manages to get in but may not be adequately prepared for the challenges of the institution because of their background. They have to compete with peers who have had more years to prepare for the challenges of higher education. This is not to say person can't overcome their historical handicaps but that it is a greater challenge for them. This is where I need to track down some studies I would like to see how many people who were admitted under affirmative action to universities on genuine grounds (the system can be gamed easily) and what sort of outcomes came about. What I would like to see is that I'm completely and utterly wrong that the vast majority are extremely successful and have overcome their handicaps.However,  I have this really bad suspicion that many are falling by the way side or aren't prospering as much as they should based on the opportunities given to them. Then again is something better than nothing? Perhaps ,but I still think we're not really addressing the real issue which is basic education.

Economic progress within groups is really defined by education. The more a group has access to good basic education the greater likelihood they will succeed economically. To me one of the biggest issues America has is that it's basic education system is broken to the point of being complete farce. The way schools are funded here based on property taxes is kind of ridiculous and self-reinforces a cycle of economic retardation for certain groups. The best teachers are not going to go to areas with the least amount of funding. This exactly what these schools need besides basic resources. Why isn't America spending more time trying to overhaul this broken system? Why don't we value being a teacher ? Why do we always seem to seek the quick fix versus the more difficult solutions to fundamental problems? If you fix the basic education problem you will actually make progress where affirmative action will no longer be required. Right now it doesn't seem like affirmative action as it stands is making any head way solving any of these problems. One issue gets more press than the other because it is such an emotional thing. It just seems to me the education question should be the priority and getting rid of affirmative action through genuine progress seems to be a natural side-effect of this. This is no quick fix and changes will not be seen immediately but it will happen and this way more people will progress together without having progress dictated to them by legislation.

What it comes down to is that I need to spend more time thinking about the issue and getting numbers. I want to be wrong on this one.

random question: Why doesn't vox have https based login? I'm stealing umm borrowing someone's wifi at a starbucks and I'd like to login but I'm completely paranoid about someone  sniffing the traffic. My vox password is a low grade one which I use for sites which don't hold too much personal info. I wouldn't think it'd be that hard to get that setup and it seems to be the norm for most login systems. Seems like a pretty cheap feature to implement. Perhaps six-apart is waiting to integrate Yahoo's system when they buy them (quick buy some yahoo stock) :P.

More random musings today. Given that I had quite a wait in LAX I got a chance to do some people watching. The departure area of Airports are one of those places where everyone is waiting and can't do anything about it. It's such a slice of life. I find it all endlessly fascinating.

The business person who is worried if they'll make it in time to that one meeting that might make the year. The old couple who can't wait to see their children and have travelled everywhere together. Young couples who still find each
others random statements endearing and embracing like the world would end any second. Kids running around and living in the moment getting the most out of life. The girl in the corner talking to her best friend that just left her at the
airport. The airline staff who'd rather be doing some other job and hoping this flight will go smoothly. The guy from Australia who hasn't slept who is wondering what all these people do and what they are thinking and when he should blog about them.

Sometimes waiting has it's upside :)